"Cockoo found Crispy in Detroit Alley"

Well minions, how about a little literary loonicy...
"This afternoon, the lifeless body of Sonny Cockoo was found in a trash-bin lined alley in downtown Detroit. The cause of is death was not yet known.
"Sonny, known for his antics as the "Cockoo for Cocoa Puffs!" spokescharacter, had been in Detroit renovating his high-rise penthouse. Authorities declined to confirm whether or not Sonny was a member of the infamous Cereal Box Gang, but he had been linked to Toucan Sam in a recent Las Vegas casino venture.
"The cause of the famous cockoo bird's death was not immediately known, although eye-witness reports indicated that the chocolate-colored pitch-bird of Cocoa Puffs fame had been horribly mutilated. Some had even suggested that the avian remains had been "barbecued" and coated in an Asian sweet and sour sauce.
"Police have questioned numerous children in the area who may or may not have been "Cockoo for Cocoa Puffs" cereal at the time of the killing, and may have had dealings with the character. None however were detained and the Detroit police are obviously baffled.
"The murder, for what else could it be, comes on the heals of other mysterious deaths surrounding some of the most famous cereal pitchmen. At the beginning of the year, the slaughtered carcass of Tony the Tiger was discovered by hikers in the Jellystone National Park. He had been visiting with the retired cartoon comedy team of Yogi and Booboo Bear over the holidays. The body of the famous Bengal tiger had been skinned, with an autopsy ruling that the famed Frosted Flakes feline had been skinned alive. The pelt has yet to be recovered.
"Just a week later, Cap'n Crunch disappeared from his sailing vessel, "Crunch Berries", while anchored in Baltimore harbour. His crew was interrogated and found to be innocent of any wrong doings. Then, when the official record was listed as "an unsolved disappearance of legal-aged persons", the bloated body of the Cap'n washed ashore just south of Martha's Vineyard. The autopsy ruled that the Cap'n had drowned after "walking the plank". His hands had been bound behind his back, his eye's covered, and a trio of cannon-balls lashed to his ankles to weigh him down. The later discovered from evidence of rope hemp fibers embedded in the Cap'n's ankles.
"And just last weekend, the famous Transylvanian Count Chocula was found impaled on a pike along side a seldom-travelled road in Transylvania. The Count had been in the region reportedly visiting with "old friends" when he failed to show up for a "Midnight Meal" at Castle Dracula, and was reported missing. Locals discovered the undead body of the Count the next morning, well past dawn. The sun's rise had not been kind to the cereal spokesgoul and his smoldering body could not be brought down for some time.
"These deaths, obviously murders in their gruesomeness, all seem related in the fact that all four are cereal spokesmen well known the world over. Additionally, these four are reputed to be members of the "Cereal Box Gang", a loose confederation of characters who have been known to be involved with many mob-like rackets. Others with known affiliations to the gang are L.C."Lucky" Leprechaun, Silly Rabbit, and Toucan Sam. BuzzBee, Sugar Bear, and Boo Berry have not been linked to the gang, although rumors persist in the industry of their involvement in enforcements, prostitution, and smuggling.
"Recently, famed detective Inspector Gadget was called in to oversee the nationwide investigation, and had no comment at the Detroit crime scene, other than to say "I've got a sudden craving for chicken. B-W's anyone?"
"Other cereal characters are unsure of what to make of the situation. The notion that a "Cereal Killer" is on the loose and targeting the most famous of the cultural icons grows with each grisly discovery. King Vitamin is known to have tripled his guard at his fortress in upper New York State, and Kaboom the Clown, Big Yella, and Quisp have all been reported to have taken up refuge there, at least temporarily.
"Snap, Crackle, and Pop have released a joint statement in defiance of the fear that has gripped their colleagues. Sunny, of Raisin Bran fame, has also refused to change his ways and will continue rising daily in the East. Frankenberry had no comment when asked about the death of his friend, Count Chocula, and Dig'em the Frog and Cornelius Rooster were unavailable for comment.
"This cereal saga has just begun, this reporter fears, and we will soon be treated to yet another horrible breakfast-time discovery all too soon."
...to be continued...